Modern Art?

So, I turn up to work yesterday, to be greeted by the overwhelming smell of cleaning products. 'Cleaning?', I ask before noticing the tears in her eyes.

Now, being accustomed to finding managers in tears my intial thought was, 'Oh bloody hell, not first thing on a Tuesday morning!'. However, after a little game of charades (her English ain't too hot), turns out that this wasn't just another b*ll**king from Head Office.

Somebody, it seems, decided to leave a little present outside the school's door. Poo. Yes, poo. Somebody, in their infinite wisdom, decided to defacate on the lovely blue carpet tiles. Ain't that just delightful?

The poor manager, understandably a little shaken, had been scrubbing away for about 30 mins. Of course I offered to help, but of course, it was an empty offer!

So who has the vendetta against my school? A disgruntled NOVA teacher? An angry student? A head office employess miffed that my school isn't making enough money? Or, as the saying goes, 'when you gotta go, you gotta go'. Maybe someone just really had to go?!

The face of terror!

Afraid of a little bird? Me? Don't be silly!

A refreshing change from the usual PC b******t!

Let's get a little political. You may have noticed that France is having a few racism issues at the mo'. So along comes some daft French nationalist to state the offensively obvious - no holds barred:

On Monday evening the far-right leader Jean-Marie le Pen led a protest against France's immigration laws.

Addressing a crowd of about 300 National Front supporters he criticised France's immigration policies.

"We let in 10 million foreigners over 30 years - it's wild insanity. No country can handle that invasion," Mr Le Pen said.

He said that France was now "paying the bill" for its "mad and criminal immigration from the Third World."

I guess his mum never told him, 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'!

Rib ticklers.

A little Peter Kay it's-so-stupid-but-so-true-you-have-to-laugh humour for you, courtesy of a friend who wastes more of her time playing on the internet than I do...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

I'm so proud!

There's nothing quite like reading about your home county on the net, especially when it makes the front page of BBC's news site. It's nice to see folk having a good time, and keeping up traditions. Every area has it's specialities; London has the Queen, Manchester has United, Liverpool has that silly accent, and Yorkshire has hooligans:

Football fans arrested at airport

Four football fans arrested at an airport while attempting to travel to England's match against Argentina in Switzerland are due in court.

The men, all in their 20s and from Rotherham, South Yorks, were detained at Stansted Airport in Essex on Friday.

Police will ask Chelmsford magistrates to impose banning orders on Lee Nodder, Steven Campbell, Jason Sorsby and Craig Cupitt under current laws.

Arigatou Hiroshima!!

The best things in life are free, hey Cat?!!

Compliments; good. Daytime TV; bad!

Crikey, daytime TV sucks enough in your own language, but watching naff American dramas in Japanese almost makes Chuoside (a popular Tokyo suicide method involving hurling yourself in front of an express train) look appealing.

TV off, music on, problem solved!

So, today I had my Japanese lesson, (which is getting easier, perhaps I'm making progress?!), but as much as I love my Japanese lessons, I do not like the fact that I have to get up at the god-forsaken hour of 8am! Unheared of for a bird who works 12-9. Hence I usually arrive looking a little dishevelled (large undertstatement). Today I rolled up in combats, crumpled t-shirt, no make-up and wet hair scraped up on top of my head.

Now, in England, this kind of appearance is usually greeted with, 'Looking a little rough today, Vic', or, 'Late night last night?', something along those lines. Not here. My Japanese teacher, bless her, squeals, 'Kawaii! Purincesu mitai!' (How cute, you look like a princess!).

It seems that wet, scraggly blond hair can pass for Cinderella's beautiful, wavy locks in a land where hair is generally straight and black. Perhaps, then, one should never leave Japan?

The future looks, er....?

Honesty is the best policy, right? In that case, would it be advisable to forgo all the usual CV nonsense and just write:


Victoria Purcell

Young, a little ditzy, no qualifications, but generally nice.
Occassional moments of inspiring creativity and intelligence (but never on Mondays).
Can make a cracking cup of tea if asked nicely.

Please give me a job.


What do you recks?

INSOMNIA

Can't sleep. How annoying.

Too little sleep Saturday night, too much sleep Sunday night; can't sleep on Monday night.

Think I'm suffering a 2 day hangover brought on by a wee too much Stella. Must respect the Stella, it's to be drank in moderation, not downed by the pint! And what's to be blamed for the Stella abuse? Halloween. And the red wig. The red wig does not give one the ability to drink like a Russian at a wedding; this I realise now.

Maybe I'll quit binge-drinking for a while. Maybe, maybe, maybe...